Choices

Each day we make choices. When we wake up, do we hit snooze? What do we eat for breakfast? There are so many things to think about and decide on throughout each and every day, let alone throughout our entire lifetime. How do you make decisions? Nobody really teaches us that. How do you know what you really want?

Lately, I have been really noticing how hard it is for me to make choices, for myself. I want to make other people happy. Though, how does that help my life?

When I say “yes” to something that isn’t right for me, I notice a change in how my body feels. Sometimes my mood switches and I feel a bit irritable and uncomfortable, or just not as calm as I had just before the exchange of words.

Words are more than letters on a screen, though. Words are promises. Words are commitments. Unless you don’t value others, or how you are viewed, then you can say whatever you want and never mean any of it. Which will also make you hard to trust. If you are that type of person, you may not care, a single bit, about if anyone trusts you. I am currently working on building trust, in myself, and in others, This means my words are important to me. My choices and my actions are, as well.

Choices come in many forms. I choose to sit here in this chair, while I feel my back and hips becoming more and more unhappy, with each second I don’t get up and stretch. Though, I have things to say and want to share. I choose to type, while deleting and going back, as my long nails get all the extra keys on my keyboard, because I choose to keep my nails long, since they help my jewelry making, they are pretty useful for getting splinters out after my barefoot walks, plus I love a good scalp scratch. I weigh out the pros and cons, without too much thought, when I make choices. Though, that is not always the case.

When I was freshly 19, I got married. We wrote letters, after meeting, for around 8 months. That is how we dated. He went off to boot camp a few days after we met. Since writing letters isn’t exactly the best way to get to know someone, and I had so much more to learn about myself (and life), it didn’t last long. Although, it showed me how driven I am to do what I want and to make my own choices, to learn to live with the consequences. I see now, how I have learned to be more careful, though still have dated more than I wish to expand on, on here. Now, almost 37 and have not gone down the aisle again, I am making sure the next one, (if there will be one) is the right one.

Life brings many hills, some small, some mountainous. One of my biggest challenges has been learning to trust myself and what I am passionate about. School has seemed like my golden ticket to success, yet, I have gone to many, many, (okay…) many schools, and have not completed any programs or degrees. Oh, a caregiving class. Second attempt. Caregiving was great, for a time. Then I realized I have passions that I am not perusing, that won’t break my back. So back to school, to avoid them some more. Now, here I am, just fresh out of two colleges this year, neither one worked out and I am realizing more about how important choices are.

We feel things. We desire things. We dream about a life that we hope to, one day, have. Yet, we fall into cycles, patterns, black hole-like mindsets that we don’t understand we are in. Trauma gets us. Anxiety grabs us. Fear locks in and we are down for the count. We think we know what we need to do to have a good life, but do we really? Do we really get it? Do we really know ourselves?

For years, I thought that if I found Mr. Right and had a degree that would be it. What about everything else? I have always dreamed of being a writer and a photographer, for a living. If you know me, and know my life history, you know that I have a tendency to start and stop things, and have been in my own cycle of not trusting myself to succeed without crutches. My kids have been my focal point. Now that they are both in high school, I feel the drive, stronger than ever, to find myself so I will be in a good place when they leave me to my empty nest. To me, that means choosing to follow my dreams and move forward with my passions. I want to show them that hard work and dedication can get you to where you want to be.

When I wake up, I am grateful for the day. Before bed, I look forward to the next day. We can choose to see things differently than we have, for most of our lives. We can choose what we do, how we do it and so much more. What I hope you get from reading all of this is that you are in charge of your life. Find a way to look at your life and what you would like to change, if you aren’t happy with the choices you have made, up to this point. There is no better time than now, to start enjoying your life more. I hope you find some beauty in each day. There is always something to be grateful for, when you make the choice to see it. – M.